kenapa tinggal di dublin tidak menyeronokkan.

i whine a lot, i know.

after living in dublin for 2 years, i still cant love the city.

why? this is what i want right? i want to pursue my study in a 4 seasons country. and i get the chance. and yet i'm not grateful. thats what people always said to me, i'm lucky to get the chance so i should be grateful.

this isnt how things should be. i never picture that my life would be like this. when i was in banting, i was very exited and looking forward to this. and then what happened? two years later in foreign land, i hate the place.

people keep telling me to enjoy myself, to embrace my life here, because once i'm back in malaysia i'll miss it, i'll miss this place. what they didnt noticed is they are all talking about the future. and not the present time. i know i'll miss this place, of course i will, despite of how much i hate it here sometimes.

present time. it is something that i have to deal with now, not the future. fuck the future. the future come later, cant you all see i'm bleeding now? cant you see it mom?

i'm sick of people telling me to get my shit together, not to be emotional, be happy. whats there to be happy about here? my mom is not here, aminul is not here, the rest of family is not here, all my friends is not here. even if i'm happy who should i share it with? you people are not here. and there is this time difference. everytime the loneliness kicks in, i cant call a bloody person because of the time difference. even sometimes when i can reach u by the phone, u were out having fun or busy doing something else. or didnt pick up the bloody phone.

and there's this all non-halal burgers, pie, and pizza. its bad enough i'm fucking lonely and now i cant eat pizza?? i'm sick of the vegeterian burger mom, i'm sick of it. i want beef quarter pounder.

meteor, my hanpdhone service provider have this amazing call plan that as long as you top up 20 euro per month u get to texts and call all meteor number for free. and even that depressed me. because calling and texting is fucking free and i dont have anyone to call! can u imagine that? everything is free and nobody to share it with. whats the point?

my phone is not a phone. its just a gadget that tells the time for me since my watch is broken. its my alarm clock. because i can count how many times it serves it purpose as a phone in one day. most of the times not even once.

tell me again why this life is worth living.

loneliness, the disease of the modern world.

oh what the heck. i'm done whining. i found a suitable for vegeterian whipped cream today after years of searching. that will do. that will cure me.

p/s: siryesly think abt it, u get free texts and calls but yet there's no one to text or call. dont u just want to murder someone if u r in my place?
pp/s: mak, dunno if u read this but i'm ok dont worry. not going to kill myself just yet.