out from hiding...

after a week of silent, i've decided to do the right thing. i'm going to stop hiding and stop ignoring people. (that includes my mom, i've been ignoring her too. didnt call home for a week) i am going to apologize to everybody that i have hurt during my zen-finding process.

1. mom, i'm sory i didnt call u. i miss u too.

2. wanie, i'm so sori for giving u the silent treatment. i havent watch the japanese series that u told me about. but i knoe nakatsu. he also act as nakatsu in hana kimi, izzit the same story? jap ku ngecheck. yap it is! so ku dah nangga la kiranya cita ya, i like nakatsu juak. kiut. p bangang juak at the same time. so what do u think about coffee prince?

3. miemah, i'm sori. what can i do to make things right? i dont have the answer. i just hope u can forgive me.

4. aten, i'm really sori i didnt told u about this blog.

5. raja i'm sori i called u the bastard. from now on i'll called u_____ errr still cant think of the new nick name. i'm sori for not replying any of ur messages juak. and u stop haunting me in my dream last night. so thank u for that.

6. jai, i'm sori for being so dengki at u about going to australia, i'm not jealous, i'm just 'ingga' at u. i hv nothing to apologize about, i'm still ingga. hahaha

7. kakdi, sori for not listening to all ur problems, what can i say? life does suck!!!

i'm apologizing with all my heart to the people that i mentioned above. its ok if i'm not forgiven, hidup mesti terus.

just tired...

i'm tired. of endless argument. of trying to make things right after an argument. tired that people always pissed at me, or at how they pissed me off. tired of seeking attention. tired of hurting when i dont get the attention that i want. tired of trying to make things right. oh i already mention that. basically what i want to say is i'm just tired of this world. of my life. of living. tired of trying to make other people happy. tired of not saying things coz scared it will hurt others. tired of not showing my true feeling. tired of complaining, tired of everything. tired of thinking that i'm miserable. i'm just tired. of being unhappy, of being happy but have no people to share that with. of wanting to cry but can never seem to. of talking, yep i'm tired of talking. tired of opening my big stupid mouth. xcept to sad-face, i like talking to sad-face. tired of asking people to go to movie with me but always get no for an answer. tired of calling people but they dont want to pick up. tired of waking up because of the noise that my housemates made. tired of waking up from dreams that have the bastard in it. i'm tired. i'm just tired. i'm just very very tired.

so i'm done. done with everything. after all these, all i can say is, every man is an island. hold on to that. i need to rest.

p/s photo credit to: mrrr_55's on flickr.

jason bourne my hero...

i once asked few people who their hero is. the bastard answered wolverine from x-men and a dear friend (may or may not answered.cant remember whether she gave me the answer or not) answered one of the powerpuff girls character. my sister hero is always superman, (siryesly nobody is so devoted to superman as she is, from lois and clark the adventure of superman series up until smallville, she watched it all) and Acap's (my sis boyfriend) hero is V from Vandetta. (never watch the film, so no comment) me? when i was asking these people this question back then, i still dont know who my hero is.


but last night, after watching the bourne trilogy, it become crystal clear to me. my hero is jason bourne. jason bourne who fight with a pen (siryes shit, with a pen!!!) in bourne identity, with a rolled-magazine in bourne supremacy and fight with face towel in bourne ultimatum. not only he's very good in martial art, but he's a genius too. (even tho he got amnesia) dem right i have a thing with smart guy. haha and the way he drives, the way he controls the wheel, puzzled me.

the bourne trilogy, is the best sequel-movie (is this right?who cares?) ever produced. why? because it have everything in it. complete. packed with actions and highly intellectual. before this my favourite movie is always infernal affairs. its very very good, it plays with ur emotion and at the same time make u think a lot. but last night i figured that it lack of actions and thats why bourne trilogy surpass it in my ranking.



ok so here is my top three ranking of the best film:
1. Bourne trilogy (i think supremacy is the best, matt damon rocks!)
2. Infernal Affairs trilogy (the third one is the best. and the hollywood version of this film; the departed is not as good. but they won the oscar though, n they have matt damon in it. if u kno what i mean, haha)
3. Transformers

p/s: i want to stop calling the bastard 'the bastard' but i dont have new nick name for him. and now he's haunting me in my dreams. what a bastard!

the chocolate run...

its been a veryyy long time since i felt this way about a book. the last time that i couldnt put a book down was with "his n hers". i bought it in london heathrow on my way back to malaysia last summer. the thing with me is, i was never patient to wait for the ending. i usually read the book either by read the ending halfway through the book or i just skip lots of pages so that i can reached the ending sooner. and when i had known the ending i start reading it once again line by line, word by word, without skipping a single page. even with a very good book as his n hers i have to rush it. and it had been the best book i ever read up until now, up until the chocolate run. his n hers by mike gayle is the most romantic book ever, if only the 1/4 of the last part of the book havent been boring and if only the ending havent been so shite. why mike why? why mr gayle why do u have to ruin the perfect book by writing something like that as the ending?

ok ok forget about his n hers, focus on the chocolate run. let me tell u why i bought the book. its because of the author. i first read the book by dorothy koomson few years ago, entitled "my best friend's girl". that was actually her third novel. the book was good, really good in fact. n then last year in the summer, i saw her new book; "marshmallows for breakfast". that one was also brilliant, as expected from her. i like her writing, its haunting, its the type of story that lingered around your head for a few days after reading it. then come out her first novel (they're republishing it i supposed), well that one is a bit boring, to be honest i havent finished reading it yet. haha i will after this, maybe on my spring break. that was her first novel so i guess i can forgived her. few weeks before, i went to eason and i saw the chocolate run on the shelf, but i restrained myself from buying it, with what i have two other books that i havent finished reading at home. but yesterday i was at tesco and wtf? the book was super cheap, only 5.95 so i bought it without any expectation or without any plan on reading it anytime soon. just to complete my collection. (yay! i got all her novels now)

why i start reading it when i said i dont have any plan to do that anytime soon? because its saturday and the weather is so beautiful outside, n because i dont want the sunny morning to be a waste, i figured that i should do my old time abandoned-for-so-long-time hobby, involving me reading a book with a cup of coffee by my side and every few minutes glancing at the window, admiring the weather. n then the book shows me its magical side, i just cant simply put it down. n this time i was patient. real patient. i was reading the book word by word, line by line, page by page. n damn! the book is so magical that i actually have a very good time reading it, i laughed, giggled as if i was spending time with an imaginary boyfriend (i used the word imaginary since i have never ever have a boyfriend. but i reckoned maybe this is the feeling that i would get if i get to spend time with ___ boyfriend. <my/a/your/her/the neighbour's/my friend's; filled the spaces with whatever word u think appropriate> i'm actually comparing reading a book with spending time with boyfriend??? pathetic!) but seriously dorothy koomson is a fucking genius. i thought only mike gayle can be as observant and as funny. but dorothy, being a girl/woman get my double respect for able to write such a total enjoyable book. her jokes is very very funny. her words, comparing love and life to chocolate, is very true! like for example, she said: true strength is being able to eat a bar of chocolate without feeling guilty. hah! take that! its like a slap on the face! nowadays i used to feel guilty almost every time i eat. dem! its only a matter of time i'll be a bulimic or anorexic. (ok, anybody who know me would know that was a total lie. was it?? :P) n she picture the guy in the book being madly deeply in love with the girl that he actually cried a few times, makes me believe that not all guy are bastards. (but the guy is a bastard at first, then he become very2 sweet) n the insecurity of we girl have, and all the weird things that we girl obsessed about, freaked about, insanely think about, is very well put and described. that bit i like the most, it makes me feel like i'm not a paranoid after all. i'm not going to write a synopsis about the book in my post. i'm too lazy to do that.

p/s: i actually had stop reading love story after i read dorothy's work but this is an exception. (i dont even know its a love story before buying it, judging from her more recent work it was very far from love story, so i just assumed that its not) besides she wrote it before i read the previous two!

update update!!

14.02.08
ok lets start with valentine's day. no flower, no choc, not even a card! hah but FM (nama dirahsiakan.haha) did said to me Hapy Valentine's Day! not enough to make my day though.

total love on Vday: zero

15.02.08
i woke up with no mood at all. almost skip class, class at 10, n i only managed to get up from bed at 8.15. (usually i will at least get up the latest at 7.30) pissed at everybody, i'm such a bitch that morning. then after class, attend usrah. cheer me up a little (usrah cheer me up?? haha) then the love of my life (ok have to stop calling him that, i'm calling him the bastard now) have to take away the happiness from me. the bastard is just a bastard. enough said. at first i'm thinking of harassing him in text but i figured i'm too matured to do that so i sent "cibeng!" instead. then went off to watch jumper, (mediocre. not up to my standard) dinner at mcd, then start spending money on clothes. n teddy bear, n a book. i spend way too much this month, bought 2 high heels (40 euro), robbins (just arrived today, 31 euro), clothes (jeans+top+sweater+top for sis : 53 euro. cheap kan? i love dublin. haha). not to mention on my phone credit (50 euro this month) calling card: 18 euro. then went home and sleep from 9 to 9 next morning.

sum up my expenses this month up to this date: 190 euro (btol x? men congak jak tok).



16.02.08
today is a perfect saturday. whoa! never had a perfect day in dublin since i got here in sep 2006. ok, not going to lie to myself, nearly perfect saturday. man u kicked arsenal ass, 4-0 just now. woke up, had breakfast n morning coffee. then decide to read the book that i bought yesterday. 10 minutes later realized that the book is sooooo good that i have to read it with another cup of coffee. then continue reading until my phone ring, my cousin that i havent talked for years (ok that was exaggerating, since september or izzit july?august?) called. ahh i decided not to talk about my cousin, boring topic, since he's married. haha the call panicked me a little, being a paranoid and all i have to think something bad had happened at home but i figured nothing happened after i confirmed with my dad. maybe he just drunk or high. rofl. (my cousin, not my dad) then continue reading until 3.30, went jogging, eat, talked on the phone for almost 2 hours (a lot of swearing involved), shower, continue reading and at 9.18pm i finally finished reading the book. i'll write the review on the book on my next post. no message or anything from the bastard.

total cup of coffee: 4 or izzit 5? i lost count.

my wishlist.. (edited version 25/4/11)

things i want to buy...
1. ipod shuffle
2. digicam, a decent one
3. videocam
4. sunglasses
5. coffee machine
6. robbins basic pathology (mama)
7. high heels
8. be delicous night tidak mahu ini lagi, sekarang mahu dior addict2
9. the chocolate run
10. stethoscope
11. a new laptop
12. digital photoframe
13. wii/playstation move + plasma tv

places i want to go...
1. london
2. langkawi
3. japan (in fact i want to live there for one full year)
4. amsterdam
5. italy
6. spain
7. sydney (to see anwar hadi *wink*)
8. sibu
9. paris
10. disneyland hongkong
11. switzerland (indah khabar dr rupa, hahaha)
12. agra, to see the taj mahal
13. china, to see the great wall
14. dublin again

people i want to meet...
1. Anwar hadi??
2. matt damon

last 24 hours..

for the last 24 hours, i had:

1. been rejected (again) by the love of my life. he said he wanted to be just friends. dem, i even used the word "love" twice. i promised him not to brought this up again in the future. so long jimmy, we're just friends now. can we still hold hands i wonder??

2. ate a big cup of super-duper sweet ice cream. i'm sooo going to get diabetes.

3. told my junior that i only met twice i like him. i think i scared him.

4. changed my mind about having kids. i prefer adopting, but maybe giving birth wasnt so bad. met a cute boy at the park today, i touched his hand, (such a soft skin!) and innocently he said "hi ya" to me. my heart melt. then i decide that i want to have kids.

5. pissed at my ex-classmate.

6. watch dunia baru. arghh dunia baru dah habis season 3. sadiq pun dah habis. what am i going to watch now????

7. study. can u believe it? i'm actually s.t.u.d.y.i.n.g. after three weeks the term started (week 4 now), i finally managed to finish one lecture notes. phewww, lega~~

p/s: 3 days ago: my friends told me my cat mawi missing since raya, n how come i only knew about it 3 days ago???? oh nvm, i never really like mawi anyway. In memory of mawi, i post up his pics here.